PhD Life: It isn't glamorous...

...nor is it anything like I had expected. The thought of being Indiana Jones was one reason why I pursued my education seriously. I realized by 8th grade that to be a doctor, you needed to be smart, smarter than everyone else. So, I pushed myself to do the next level higher, taking the high-track classes rather than the average level classes. Each year, I pushed myself to the next level, never caring that I wasn't truly prepared for it. By the time I was a senior, I had taken 4 years of science (advanced biology and chemistry in the same year), 3 years of English, math, history, French, and never once gave myself a study hall. I used an academic waiver to remove the need to take P.E. (Physical Education) and spent all of my evening and weekend time studying until I went to bed. It was rare for me to have completely finished my homework each night. Sometimes I would do it before school started in the morning, or during lunch (when I would spend 30 minutes in the lab). Or sometimes, in the class just before the homework was due.

During this time, I was also a figure skater (had been since I was 2 years old), a member of a couple of clubs, a regular volunteer at the Illinois State Museum Research and Collections Center, and I worked 20 hours a week. I also had boyfriends, friends, and carried on crafting and painting and reading.

My senior year was a turning point. I had just turned 17. I began taking psychology at the local community college on Saturday mornings, for three hours. I front loaded my first semester so I could graduate early. In January 2001, I was officially a college student. I had to juggle a full 15 hour school schedule, high school final exams, a 30 hour a week job, and a boyfriend. In keeping with my goal to become smart, I took three advanced placement classes. By graduation day, June 2002, I went from being 'average' smart, to contending with the top 20% of my class inside of four years.

To say that I was wound like a tight coil would be a severe understatement. I lost a whopping 65 pounds between my sophomore and junior years. Because I had languished under my own whip to become smarter, I didn't always do well. Smart kids (those top 20% and above) ridiculed me when I would receive a failing grade on a homework, quiz, or a test. One particular episode still haunts me today. A teacher publicly congratulated me for improving my vocabulary test from a D to a B by the end of the first semester. I was humiliated at having my grades described to everyone and it did nothing to relieve the ridicule I received on a daily basis from my fellow classmates (though it was usually just a few bullies). I also hated it when some bullies started caring more about me as a person because I 'became hot' by losing weight.

You could say that I had had enough by the start of my senior year. I didn't want to be around people who didn't respect me and what I had accomplished by myself. I didn't have well-educated parents (though they were loving and supportive and made sure I knew about 'the real world'), access to tutors, siblings, or friends who could tutor me for free. I did everything through sheer force of will. And it didn't stop there.

Whenever there has been something 'hard' to do in my life, I will do it. Not for the martyrdom, to make people pity me because my efforts result in few gains. I do it for the passion. Because I am interested. I want to learn more.

I finished my bachelor's degree with a 3.76/4.0 (department GPA) and a 3.48/4.0 (overall GPA) at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign in 2006. My senior year at UIUC was thoroughly loaded with anthropology courses, and with that, about 500-1000 pages of required reading each week. I binge-watched anime on weekends just to have a brain-break. I also took up Kuk Sool Won and achieved first degree black belt the summer after I graduated University (2007).

And then I began pursuing higher education. In 2010, I received an MSc in Museum Studies with Merit from the University of Leicester, after having suffered the financial crisis in 2008/9, switching jobs, and working full time while living just above the poverty line. I began Expertly Dyed as soon as my dissertation was in the mail. I was halfway started when I received confirmation that I passed my degree.

After an educational hiatus, where I worked as a teacher in Korea, an independent fiber consultant, and continued on my Expertly Dyed pursuits (starting my YouTube channel in 2012), I felt that it was time to return to academia and pick up my dream where I left it five years previously.

You're probably wondering why I wanted you to know my educational history from the time I was 13 years old. Some habits die hard.

I completed my MA in Archaeology from the University of Leicester with Distinction in 2016. I presented at two conferences. I also traveled to a new corner of Britain every other weekend. I was a dancer, reenactor, department groupie, and I exercised nearly every day. I went out drinking with friends on weekends. I ate cheese and crackers for dinner on some of my busiest nights. Wednesday pub nights with the department were my one opportunity to eat a proper meal each week. I lost weight. I did nothing crafty: no spinning, knitting, weaving, dyeing...nothing. And yet I studied textile production in Iron Age Britain.

My PhD experience has been the exacerbation of all my previous experiences with education and work/life balance. I work myself to death, I don't spend enough time on me, and some days I'm frankly shocked that I haven't collapsed with exhaustion.

I concocted an entirely unrealistic future for myself when I was 13 and I continued to fall back on those outdated principles until quite recently. I thought I had to become the expert and to know everything. I grappled with impostor syndrome (like many PhD students today). I couldn't handle being told my writing was sloppy or unfocused. I nearly fainted when I was told that 'I needed to be more serious about my research' and that I 'needed to do more'. I was utterly broken. How could someone like me possibly have time to do more and be more serious? I had already received high praise in the form of a Distinction and feedback at conferences. I am 35. I have been serious about my education for 22 years. I have gone far beyond just 'doing more'. What was missing?

My biggest personal issue with my pursuit of a PhD is that I'm not Indiana Jones. Being a doctor isn't about being the smartest, per se, it's more about understanding who you are and what you need. But here's my big moment of self-reflection about my PhD:

I do what I do because I want to do it.

I am halfway through writing my PhD thesis. I have presented at 12 conferences since January 2017, with 3-4 more planned for the remainder of 2019. I have conducted 2 major experiments for my PhD research (which is not an experimental PhD), with 2 more scheduled for September. I have met with senior academics in Iron Age studies and textile studies. I've done these things because I wanted to do them. I want to present high quality research and hold myself accountable because I have deeply critiqued my own work and the work of my predecessors. I want to develop textile archaeology to be the mainstream topic of study it deserves. I can't do this alone, nor am I alone. I am there, in a community, of similarly minded people who do what they do because they want to do it. 

This brings me to my final point about work/life balance. If I was told to do 6 conferences a year by my supervisors, and I had to do it, I would probably stress out. I would cry. I'd be anxious and work 15 hour days and on weekends. If anything were to set me off, I would probably have a complete breakdown with collateral damage. My work would be my life. I'd have no way of disengaging. I would probably binge drink (which I nearly started to do at the start of 2019). And worse, it would feel inescapable.

Something I didn't know about myself is that I am incredibly self-motivated by difficult tasks and I think the reason why I have managed to accomplish so much was because I knew my limits. I enjoy being busy and productive. I like being able to do 10 different activities in a day. I like keeping a schedule. I like being a part of things. When I do feel stressed out, anxious, depressed, exhausted, lethargic, etc., it's because I'm not keeping a good work/life balance that is suitable for ME. 

Sneak peek at the new series I'm launching on YouTube!

It is important to be introspective, and the demanding work of a PhD project can often prevent you from reflecting on yourself, your motivations, your needs. I need to be writing up my chapter on needles right now, but my need to share these thoughts has superseded my need to write my chapter. I won't fret about my chapter writing because I have a plan. It is scheduled to be worked on today. I want to write this chapter on needles. I submitted an abstract for a conference this morning and I worked on a journal article submission. Later, I will finish my weaving experiment today and get ready to pack up for the European Archaeological Association conference. I want to do these things. I am happy, stressed, excited, and a bit anxious. My life as a PhD student is the opposite of glamorous--certainly, no one will be writing 'Love You' on their eyelids any time soon. It's an exercise in coordinating 10 spinning plates with just my two hands. But I know that if it all becomes too much, or I need help reassessing my work/life balance, there are people out there who want to raise awareness for mental health issues among PhD students.